…where do i start…
When your used to being that person who allows people to constantly talk to you any way they want….being conscious about how u saw things and what you say to them 24-7 and pretty much make it acceptable for someone to mistreat you….it can be quite a headache for the Changing process to actually be apart of you. It can also be quite the headache to have to put up with constantly being put down, being talked down to like a child, and getting used to people having no remorse or knowledge of your worth when they do talk to you like that. The reason why…..is because you don’t necessarily grow your stand your ground muscles overnight.
I’ve been working on changing my ways. whats acceptable…whats not acceptable. … stuff like that…and IM learning…that just because i change doesn’t mean that everybody else changes with me. I’m guessing because they are stuck….and don’t adapt to change well. This change in me is real because I’m seeing the results every day. My business is growing….slowly but surely…and i’m investing in myself. My product, and my well being. I’ve took the spotlight off of a lot of the distractions in my life…but as everything would pan out….sometimes the storms come when they are least expected.
My storm is that a relative of mine has issues coping with situations because she was traumatized and has a lot going on mentally and physically medically. We have been really close since it was possible to be around her hang with her etc. Shes like my little sister. Her situation has always been rough and I’ve always been supportive towards her decisions and goals etc. The issue is that she has a nasty attitude and anytime something doesn’t completely go her way or somebody speaks against her decisions or confront her about being wrong….nothing good comes from it. What makes it worse is that her medical conditions are triggered when she flares up or stresses or gets upset. Which is why i try to avoid confrontation or raising my voice at her…even though its perfectly “OK” for her to do that to everyone else. I decided that it was all going to stop when she packed up all her stuff and moved out.
The days that followed were odd because we roomed together and well….getting used to not seeing or being around her was different. Weeks past….didnt see her so now i’m used to enjoying having my own room. It was a different energy. Very fresh and exciting. Not filled with negativity…as it was in the days before. Something in me clicked. I realized that i had surrendered total control of my thoughts, my mind, my actions of of what this person and solely this person thought of me. And when i wasn’t doing that i was being a friend (in my eyes) standing by her side in the battles she had with life and being her shoulder, her ear to listen, whatever it is she needed because everybody else in her life seemed to always change and turn on her. I did everything in my power to assure her i wouldn’t be one of them. Later on i realized just how taxing it was on me to be by her side…all the time. It was rough on me because i put all my attention on her issues and when i did put attention on me it was to dabble in my photography and get up and go to work. That was it. I realized that my life was becoming as dried up as a moldy grape that turned into a raisin and powdered up and withered up and turned into dust. It has become a cycle of fruitless madness. I couldn’t embrace the fam i had around me or open myself to having relationships with them because she told me things to keep me away from the other people we lived with. Bad stories….or ugly things about them. ….the more i think about it the more i realize if i was on the outside looking in…i would be telling myself that this isn’t a healthy situation. The more i read over this post i realize…that its the same thing that happens in an abusive relationship. Matter of fact…that’s exactly what it was. When she left….the peace was amazing. I started getting along with my other relatives….and i felt like the things that i said mattered to some one that was someone other then me. I didn’t let their problems become me…but i helped in the ways i could. Her attitude was the “Bitch you cant tell me shit, who are you to even think about speaking against me, i know i have problems, im independant, everything ive done for myself is right cuz its got me this far so dont u dare say anything, i practically own you”
Yeah its challenging to deal with but i did because i never want my family to question where my loyalties were when it came to looking out for them or being someone who they could talk to…because i struggled with that coming up. When i needed somebody for that reason….it was hard for me to trust people because every time i did i got stabbed in the back or it came back to bite me in the ass later. When i was younger i was also abused and nobody seemed to give a shit when it happened so i guess thats when it registered in my brain to be acceptable. Thats why i struggle with change as well. Because every time change seemed to happen i always seemed to get the short end of the stick. Good things that would happen to me seemed like they would hesitate to happen. And when good things did happen it was held over my head or made known that i better appreciate it because it wouldn’t happen for another My needs dreams wants or anything were always the last on every ones list. That’s when i made it my business to help make sure everybody did get everything they needed because i couldn’t imagine putting anybody else through what i was going through in my mind. I suppressed and suppressed and buried my emotions in the file cabinets in my brain because that’s what i was taught to do. And the few people who i actually opened up to…..ended up crushing me or turning on me with the information they had about me. The pain was unbearable and heartbreak became an all to familiar feeling.
I was always the one on the outside who was like id never be or engage in an abusive relationship. And as far as relationships like…intimate ones….i didnt allow it to happen. But I guess i never realized that it could happen to me and it did happen to me. So not being around this individual has helped me out alot mentally. Ive had space to think without being restricted because of being overly conscious of somebody else’s well being. Ive learned that there are just some things that i cant handle and Im not supposed to handle. Its God’s responsibility.
Just like it is to watch over me and take care of me. Just like it is for me to trust that he will always have my back and see me through this situation and all the other ones that come up. I decided to stop fighting with him and let him worry about the things that over crowd my mind and also to take away the things that i have allowed to consume my mind. Whats different about this change in me is that It includes God in it. Its not just about me growing and sowing….its about God being inside of me and being included in this move forward.
So the result of this is that ive decided that im going to love this relative as best as i know how without getting too close anymore. She said some really foul things about me and they were hurtful. It was like everything i did for her or times i was there disintegrated because things weren’t right in her world and in the end none of it meant anything to her. Because her way of thinking can only be changed on her time…and my world doesn’t run on that clock. I don’t sit there and take it when she talks to me like i’m a child (shes younger then me) anymore, and i speak my mind and stand firm on what i say. I always felt the need to explain myself to her. No more. I’m Grown and growing.
The challenge is now… I’m sure in a couple of weeks or sooner i will be faced with a situation where were going to have to share space again. I will make the proper arrangements. But with meditation, prayer, and discipline the negative energy that radiates around her it will be filtered and not channeled to and through me. I won’t just take being talked to any old kind of way and i wont let her health condition be the reason i hold my tongue anymore. I love her but something has to give.
I pray that anybody else who is going through something similar….that you will be able to have the strength to seek God and help as well before it gets out of hand. Don’t let anybody’s energy stop you or depress you from being creative or doing what you love.
I’m learning more everyday.hopefully you can too,